Pets.

I have been avoiding talking about pets on my blog. For several reasons, some good, some probably just imaginary. My head can be a crazy place sometimes. I had to leave my two babies back home in Virginia with my parents. That was not easy for me. They are being taken care of. They are being loved. But it's not my love, and I have to deal with sometimes extreme bouts of guilt over that. You can say what you want about the intelligence of animals, the resilence of them. But I know what their lives were like before. I've had them for 10 years. They are my babies. And I left them. They have good lives, but not the lives they were use to. Not the lives they lived for the last 10 years. There is nothing wrong with the lives they are living now, I am not saying that there is, but they aren't with me. I think about them most days, and cry over them often. Do they remember me? Do they miss me? Do I wish they did, or do I hope that they've moved on? Either way of thinking hurts me deep inside. When I am lonely or tired I wish I had one of them to curl up with. I could always count on them to be there for me. As obnoxious as it was for Smudge to ALWAYS want to be sitting in my lap, or as frustrating as it was for Bearette to steal, destroy, and/or eat anything and everything that was within her reach. They were, and are, my family.

Last year Nid had a kitten walk into his back door and become a part of his family. He named her Kiki and she stayed. Outside during the day, inside at night and when the weather was bad. She was a good cat. A calico, though you'd never know it by her temperament. I had some minor issues with Kiki when I moved. Issues revolving around me not wanting to get close to another animal when I had just left mine behind. But as animals do, she wormed her way into my heart. The children adored her, and Nid doted on her. When I came last October, I gave her Suzy Jane's old collar to wear. We just lost Kiki this past week. She got sick rather suddenly, and though we took her to the vet several times, there did not seem to be much they could do. We were coming to terms with the fact that we were going to lose her, and that night she passed away. Llast Wednesday morning, September 9th. She was less than two years old.

Being here and going through this has brought up a lot of memories for me. I lost my Rascal last summer to a stroke, and later in the summer Suzy Jane deteriorated and I lost her as well. Rascal was 10, and I'd had him his whole life. Suzy Jane was 14+ and I'd only had her for about a year. But I loved them both so much and it hurt so bad to lose them. And then there was my dear Teddy a few years ago. My handicapped little ball of love, who only lived to be three or so. It doesn't matter how long you have had a pet, losing them always hurts so bad. During this difficult time, and remembering past difficult times, I can't help but think what it will feel like when Bearette and Smudge leave this world. How will I deal with that from this distance? Not being able to say goodbye to them, to have closure?

I have had people ask me if we'll get another pet this week. It has gotten me thinking. I have said for years that when all my kids were gone, I needed a break. A break from the responsibility, from the cost. It is hard to never be able to go away for a night or even all day without arranging care. Between having a seizuring cat, a diabetic cat, an allergic and OCD dog, and a geriatric dog all needing medications once or twice daily, it wasn't easy. But when you start losing those pets, I at least, fall into the I don't want to get hurt like this again catergory. I am sure that we will have pets again one day. When we are settled. We won't have any between now and the time we move to the US. There is a lot of time and expense required moving pets from one country to another, although it is a lot easier moving from here to the US than vice versa.

I would like to thank everyone who has shown us support and love through this difficult time. It has not been easy. The children are doing well. It's hard, of course. I catch myself looking around for her still.